Pinocchio Parenting
As parents we tell tall tales — frequently. This time of year we tell the tallest one of all. So, do we perpetuate the Santa thing, or succumb to that nagging feeling to tell the truth? (Damn, this parenting thing is hard!) Here are two opposing viewpoints from local life coaches on our choices and their effects. You decide.
CREATE WONDER
One of my favorite Christmas memories as a little girl is when my parents went to the trouble of laying out a white sheet near the fireplace on Christmas Eve. After we went to bed, they got a boot, and using ashes, they created footprints on the sheet so that when we awoke on Christmas morning we could actually see that Santa had been there! Written by Mary Tomlinson
As my children were growing up, we continued the Santa tradition. My “babies,” David and Sarah, are now 22 and 24. Curious how they saw the Santa situation, I asked them how they felt when they discovered he wasn’t real. I also wanted to know, “Did they feel betrayed by me and their dad?” Not only did they enlighten me with their insight; they tickled my heart with their perspective.
I found it intriguing that both kids figured it out in the third grade. David recounts a debate at school among those who believed and those who didn’t. “I came home and asked you, and you said, ‘Do you really want to know?’ When I said yes, we talked. You told me and gave me an article on St. Nick about how the tradition started. It was like a wonderful secret — first to believe and then to be on the ‘inside,’ able to keep it alive for younger children.”
I was happy to discover that they didn’t feel betrayed. In fact, their perspective was quite the contrary. “If you had told me the whole truth when I was young, it would have confused me because Santa was everywhere. He’s part of our culture. If I had always known the truth, I would’ve missed out on the excitement of going to sleep, waiting for Santa to arrive. It would have been hard to be the only kid in class who knew the truth — in the midst of all the growing excitement and anticipation of his arrival.”
Not complete in my investigation, I still wanted to know if there were any lasting effects of our choice to celebrate Santa in our home. I was delighted to hear their reply. “After I knew, it was like the spirit of Santa was still alive, because you and others are his ‘helpers.’ I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the magic and the excitement that is the right of childhood and the memories that live forever. I will continue the tradition with my children because you know, Mom, Santa is real — and he is love, in the form of mommies and daddies around the world.”
Consider celebrating the fable and encouraging these beliefs this Christmas:
- Believe in the Magic: Christmas is a magical time of year — full of joy, anticipation and wonder. As parents, we have the privilege of creating some of that wonder. We get to contribute to a child’s understanding that this world can be a wonderful place, full of surprises.
- Believe in True Love: The tradition of Santa can actually teach some important lessons about loving selflessly — since parents do all the work and Santa gets all the credit! True love is not always reciprocal, nor do you always receive thanks, but true love is all giving and unconditional.
- Believe in the Wonderment: Children are only young once, and the realities of life come quickly enough. This short time of magic and wonderment is a precious moment in time. If truth and reality were the bases of all things, there would be no need even to wrap presents or plan surprises — when, in fact, there’s joy in the mystery.
- Believe in the Memories: Most of us grew up with Santa and continue the tradition. As I spoke with others on this topic, some of our favorite childhood memories come from those magical days. It’s amazing how we remember so many good things and how they made us feel.
It turns out that David and Sarah share the same favorite memory of Christmas with me. That sheet with the footprints has become a family tradition after all. So here we are, 20 years later and looking back. I wouldn’t have changed a thing.
Ironically, my “adult” children (and their spouses) still sit at the top of the stairs on Christmas morning, waiting for the time to come down to see what “Santa” has brought. It has continued to be a family tradition full of joy and anticipation — and that’s the greatest blessing of all.
Mary Tomlinson
As president of On-Purpose Partners, Mary Tomlinson works with businesses, nonprofits and government organizations, and with individuals from many walks of life, helping each achieve greater purpose and focus. With over 30 years’ corporate and consulting experience, including 18 years at Disney, she has a real-world perspective on what is achievable in business and life. Mary is a high-energy motivator with a passion for encouraging individuals and implementing change.
BUILD CHARACTER
The story told to children of an imaginary being who slips down chimneys, leaving presents and eating your cookies, is simply the tip of the iceberg of an issue that is long overdue for addressing. Our culture has created many falsehoods, from the Tooth Fairy to the Easter Bunny. As parents, we’ve not always been given the reinforcement to know it’s okay to choose differently, or the facts on the potential consequences of these capers. I ask you to consider, for the moment, the truth of the matter. Written by Lorena Jefferson
Christmas can jog a multitude of emotions, from stress to joy, guilt to peace, overindulgence to excitement. My challenge to you this year is to cut through the clutter of your emotions and get to the heart of your parenting values — in particular, honesty. Then, consider your value in truth, and be sure to include it in your Christmas celebration with your children.
Ask yourself, “What am I teaching my child? What are the consequences of choosing to lie to my child?” Yes, I said it; Santa is a lie. You can hate me now, or you can choose to hear me out. If you lie (yep, said it again) to your child throughout the year, can you really expect her to be an honest person? Clearly we are not choosing to be honest when we tell tales of Santa Claus.
I believe the only true gift you can give to your child is his character — which, you may not have heard, is taught primarily through modeling behavior. And you, my friend, are your child’s model. Until a child realizes he’s unique, he considers you the be-all and end-all of, well, everything. That’s a big responsibility, I know.
Be clear on your choices. Certainly it’s easy to brush this off with the traditional, “Everyone does it. It’s really no big deal.” But what happens when your child finds out you intentionally lied to her? Children hardly ever come back and tell you how it felt when you disappointed them. You run the risk that she no longer trusts you with her precious thoughts. Scary, right?
I’m sure this is hard to read. All I ask is for you to expand your mind to consider it. I offer new ways to make Christmas special, meaningful and a tool to create positive character traits in your children. After all, they are your final legacy in this world.
Consider adopting these loving laws into your home this holiday:
- Law of Gratitude: Tell the kids the real meaning of the holiday. Tell them that during this celebration, we show our gratitude by acknowledging others through gift giving.
- Law of Creativity: Make it matter. Halt the overwhelming gift giving and give two very special gifts: one asked for, and one given from the heart of another that has meaning. Have everyone share why each gift was chosen and how special the person that received it is to him. Do this one at a time, quietly, so all will be impacted.
- Law of Attitude: Share with the kids that Dad and Mom work very hard to give them what they need throughout the year. Choosing this time of year to celebrate, we give the gifts not as a reward, but more a simple gesture of gratitude for the gift of them in the family.
- Law of Expectation: Be convicted of your choice and how you will bring the holiday into your family. Keep truth always present in it all. Remember, love is a consistent and solid decision. If it has to shift to make room for a lie, there is something wrong.
I’ll warn you, this choice will be hard at first. You’ll certainly need to be committed to not inviting Santa into your home. Society is adamant about Santa, and he’s everywhere. You’ll be walking a road less traveled. Hold firm and remember, we expect our children to stand strong in the face of peer pressure every day. So should we. Your children depend on you to do the right thing.
A conscious decision to deceive will have varying consequences. Perhaps starting in small ways, such as lying, back talk or anger bursts, it could culminate in a breakdown of mutual communication and withdrawal. It’s important to remember, once trust is broken, it is extremely difficult to get back. Let’s not allow our pride to stop us from building solid foundations in our relationships.
Lorena Jefferson
With over 14 years’ experience in the family-counseling environment, Lorena Jefferson is the founder of P.R.E.S.T.I.G.E. Way of Life, Inc., Kiddieventures (a nonprofit organization) and Choices Lifestyle Management Clinic. She is also author of the “Choices for Parents” series of books. A focused advocate for children and families, she is a dynamic back-to-the-basics leader. Convinced that building a strong foundation for the family will inevitably build a strong society, Lorena teaches character education and life skills to families that need support.
December 10th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
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